Daily Struggles

The thirst for knowledge is what is keeping me going at this point. Listening and learning from other peoples experiences, be it good or bad gives me hope. I tried drawing up a Pros & Cons list, but couldn’t get it underway. Paranoia of a paper list being found, or discovered on my phone is enough to give me palpitations.

I think the obvious hurdle is losing the love of my life & partner in crime for the past 20 yrs, my wife. Without her, I am nothing. With so little family members that live an ocean away, I have no family and no real friends here.

I am suffering from depression, which makes me irritable, short & snappy; add in my dysphoria, which I try to hide/fight/ push back against and I’m not exactly fun to be around at times. I was on medication from my doctor, who also does not know of my dysphoria, but I found it impossible to lose any weight and I fact was gaining pounds regardless of mild exercise and lower calorific intake.

To say I am heavy is an understatement. Some underlying health issues don’t help, but I’ve recently stepped up my dietary habits for the better and plan to exercise more. To put it in perspective, I can’t shop in most stores for mens clothing, let alone womens! WalMart, Big n Tall, occasionally Target will have a limited selection available in my size.

I will do a little cross-dressing when I am home alone for a few days; such as when the wife travels for work. I am a ladies size 24-26, and ladies size 15 shoes! A lot of that does Not come via Amazon Prime I can tell you! I did find some spanx-like underwear to squeeze the fat in, and despite being all out of breath getting them on, it does help give me confidence that weight loss will help me.

Being heavy in the south, means heat & humidity pretty much all year around, and sweat, lots of it. After taking a hot shower I still need another to get the sweat of!! Yeah not pretty. So make up & wigs are at present a non starter at present.

I need to start to feel good about me, before I can start to feel good about Fiona. The struggle is real especially when I have no one to talk to about my feelings, struggles and life in general. I have found some amazing transwomen on instagram. Seeing their before and after photos, their Tuesday Transition photos, and general posts on life in general is refreshing.

But I don’t know them and they certainly don’t know me; and messaging these ‘strangers’ (albeit privately) with questions, gets you blocked or total silence in return. But I understand that now (if it wasn’t obvious in the first place!!) that I wouldn’t answer strangers questions either!

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