Goodbye Fiona-Louise Wild.

Time to walk away

The time has come to give up my 40+yr dream of transition to fully become the woman I know is within me. Having just ticked past my 50th birthday (it wasn’t much of a celebration to be honest) the difficulties of transitioning have become unsurmountable.

As I have stated before I am obesely overweight at over 320lbs/145kg/23st; and despite over a year of cutting calories, avoiding junk foods, soda/pop, sugar and the foods you shouldn’t be eating, with an increase in exercise I have only lost a total 12lbs. Finding suitable women’s wear is near impossible as everything I try to wear does not look in the least feminine. Finding sensible size 13/15 shoes is near impossible.

My 20th wedding anniversary is not too far ahead in the future. The woman I love deeply, who does not know of my dysphoria would be completely devastated should I tell her the secret I am carrying. After several months of talking around the subject, I now know it would break her heart that I have kept this secret from her for so long. She would never want to live or support we me should I come clean and that would mean a divorce and the sale & splitting of our assets. Oddly this would provide me enough money to have the necessary gender reassignment surgeries that my health insurance does not cover!

While the wife has a dozen or so friends that she hangs out with, I very much doubt she would ever go out in public again.  My teenage daughter in HS would probably be ok with it… if I continue to provide her with gas money for her car! Other older family members would never understand why I would want to transition, and I doubt they would support my decision or talk to me either. 

The other main reason is that I have no true friends or family I can confide it, to talk to, to vent with, other than a former girlfriend from my late teens, who I correspond by email with. When I told her of my dysphoria she was not surprised, and has been supportive, but she has her own life/family/work balance to deal with and communicating by email is does give the necessary relief that talking to someone face to face does.

This makes regular normal day to day life difficult. I can only talk to myself; which trust me, is far from ideal on a good day! I tend to keep much of myself to myself, but the more I think about the need to transition, just from a mental health perspective, would probably result in any doctor refusing to carry out gender reassignment surgery on me.

As it is, my brain is scrambled with thoughts resulting in many nights of insomnia and getting 2 or so hours of sleep a night is my new norm. Somedays I can have difficulty figuring out what I real or what is imagined. One recent dream was so vivid I awoke covered in sweat, crying my eyes out, after I dreamt that I had ‘accidentally’ hung myself in the garage, by slipping off the step ladder while putting items away up in the attic; only for my daughter to come home from high school and discover me dead, and thinking I had committed suicide!

Had I been born 30 or even 20 yrs. later than I were, I am confident I would be easier to transition. But to throw away 20 yrs. of marriage; to destroy another person’s life; to have so many family members never speak to me again; is simply not worth the guilt I would have to carry, verse the happiness I would hope to achieve by becoming full time Ms. Fiona-Louise Wilde.

I wish to thank all of you that have inspired me, have supported me, over the last year. To those of you that continue your own journeys I hope and pray you find the strength to continue and become who you really are within. 

With all my love & respect, FLW

Daily Struggles

The thirst for knowledge is what is keeping me going at this point. Listening and learning from other peoples experiences, be it good or bad gives me hope. I tried drawing up a Pros & Cons list, but couldn’t get it underway. Paranoia of a paper list being found, or discovered on my phone is enough to give me palpitations.

I think the obvious hurdle is losing the love of my life & partner in crime for the past 20 yrs, my wife. Without her, I am nothing. With so little family members that live an ocean away, I have no family and no real friends here.

I am suffering from depression, which makes me irritable, short & snappy; add in my dysphoria, which I try to hide/fight/ push back against and I’m not exactly fun to be around at times. I was on medication from my doctor, who also does not know of my dysphoria, but I found it impossible to lose any weight and I fact was gaining pounds regardless of mild exercise and lower calorific intake.

To say I am heavy is an understatement. Some underlying health issues don’t help, but I’ve recently stepped up my dietary habits for the better and plan to exercise more. To put it in perspective, I can’t shop in most stores for mens clothing, let alone womens! WalMart, Big n Tall, occasionally Target will have a limited selection available in my size.

I will do a little cross-dressing when I am home alone for a few days; such as when the wife travels for work. I am a ladies size 24-26, and ladies size 15 shoes! A lot of that does Not come via Amazon Prime I can tell you! I did find some spanx-like underwear to squeeze the fat in, and despite being all out of breath getting them on, it does help give me confidence that weight loss will help me.

Being heavy in the south, means heat & humidity pretty much all year around, and sweat, lots of it. After taking a hot shower I still need another to get the sweat of!! Yeah not pretty. So make up & wigs are at present a non starter at present.

I need to start to feel good about me, before I can start to feel good about Fiona. The struggle is real especially when I have no one to talk to about my feelings, struggles and life in general. I have found some amazing transwomen on instagram. Seeing their before and after photos, their Tuesday Transition photos, and general posts on life in general is refreshing.

But I don’t know them and they certainly don’t know me; and messaging these ‘strangers’ (albeit privately) with questions, gets you blocked or total silence in return. But I understand that now (if it wasn’t obvious in the first place!!) that I wouldn’t answer strangers questions either!

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